Trauma

30 Jul 2024

Dream

I was getting my knees pierced. As they pierced one, it was like the whole world stopped, my body became numb, it was excruciating and at the same time I couldn’t feel anything. However it was so painful I decided to wait on piercing the second knee because I knew it would take a while to heal from the trauma of the first.

26 Jul 2024

Dream

I was a teenager living in a neighborhood with nice white houses with pretty roofs and all-cut lawns and I was still dealing with trauma and anger problems and the loss of my grandmother. Therapy didn't work. So my therapist sent me an address and I went to the address and it looked like a weird-looking office with a triangle laid around like the Illuminati with a glowing white door and somebody being taken to the back smiling and giggling. The man never came out so I was joking through the interview and they asked me questions and I asked them so questions about the program and they told me hunting and I said hunting what and he said hunting stuff so I said what like hunting people and this man looked at me and reached his hand through the hole as it turned black his face opened wide and he looked like a demon with 2 black eyes a long outstretched jaw and tried to grab me. I told him I was joking and he turned normal. I said something about the Illuminati he did it again so my interview was concluded, he said if I told anybody they would find me and kill me and I better keep my mouth shut and he pushed me outside in the chair so while my dad and his friend were in the car I put the chair on the lawn and all of a sudden I got knocked out with my dad and my dad’s friend and everything turned blue. I got home and we started to drive back home people looked at the car horrified laughing tapping on the window and we waved and just kept driving home everything was still blue the garden and everything like a dark blue we got in the car and the sight turned a light blue as we talked about gas stations we were driving and I realized I was a ghost and woke up.

26 Jul 2024

Dream

Walking about in some villa/castle/Hogwarts-looking structure built by some Lago Como looking lake It’s the first day of summer camp/school, and I’m peering over from the old stony balcony at the view of the lake There’s quite a few of my camp peers playing about in the balconies at the levels lower and I watch from above One of the teachers who’d been leading a few of them to the balcony I’m in greets me We have a little chirchat about room and group assignments and such, about all the courses I can take as a part of the arts and music academy program We go down once the orientation starts; the teacher seems to be of a mercurial disposition The castle is high and steepled, and I go back in and down through the stone helix staircase that looks like the one at the former/restored imperial library in Ueno I used to go to Greeting the other peers in the hall Getting a briefing and the beginner’s class done by the teacher from earlier Once the session is over they go quickly as they came, scattering to rush to the gymnasiums to play or just do whatever around the castle-campus I need to get the pass for the ‘I did these courses’ stamp cards stamped by the guy so I follow, but lose track After wandering about in the interior of the school that looks exactly like the old Japanese public school I took my SAT in despite the fact that this is literally a villa in lake Como, I’m found and guided downstairs to the teachers’ office by some other generous teacher and student Once I get there the students leave, and I walk into a few teachers discussing something about ‘programs’ and ‘not happening for this year’ and such in the middle of the corridor in front of the office I ask ‘what program’ and they tell me about this one dance lector among many others and practitioners of meditative/wellness-related stuff There are many options of genres students can choose to learn from during the camp program Apparently the guy is one such teacher among them Fusion, or some kind of an improvisational thing? ‘Some modern whatever’ one teacher says They tell me that the person practices in the woods, usually very isolated and stand-off ish ‘That one’ I say, ‘I wanna sign up for his class’ They look at each other for a bit before one of the teachers is assigned to take me to where the lector is I’m lead out of the villa and into the woods The soil is moist and crisp, pinecone woods and some taller trees of other kind The lake is visible from amidst the woods, pretty close to water In some wider opening amidst the paths lit by the cloudy sky’s light seeping cracks in the scattered conifer canopy he’s there He seems to be of a rather phlegmatic disposition, humor cold and moist He wears blouse that looks like it’s decorated with crows’ feathers, has the matching hair and eyes(gray? Dark gray), seems a bit depressed The teacher who took me here is basically doing the introducing to him and me, His name was something like Atmos Or some kind of a posh noble-like name We exchange a few words about my intentions and such, the guy’s scanning my whole appearance(AND my soul probably, like damn his eyes, it’s kinda hard to belife he’s human) Anyway the supervising teacher leaves us to our own devices and we commence He gives me a brief overview of the vibe of the dancing he teaches, almost ritualistic and trancelike I’m familiar with this I’ve done this by the ocean before I do this when I feel that spirits or some deep-seated emotions crash over me like waves He seems to be interested enough to coach me on the gait and such in my movements We move over to the edge of the lake’s shore, feet dipping in the waters I’m overcome by the sudden music I hear in my head(sounded like Enya or something similar) and I let them take control of my body’s movements The teacher calmly analyzes before commenting that I’d have been better off living as sirens or merfolks, not human I tell him I had the feeling for a long time I’m dismissed after the lecture On the second day of the dance lesson with the lector there’s a guest A girl, seems introverted, closed off; dainty, cold and fairy-like in her appearance, wants to join We both learn under him I’m unraveled of my façade as the days go, revealed of my deepest insecurities and trauma The lector calmly points out the flaw in the thinking and such, unemotionally encouraging me to channel it into my movements For instance he points out that one of the reasons why I learn the techniques so quickly anf absorb what he’s getting me to embody is because I myself don’t have a solid sense of self nor identity to begin with; I’m a sponge, full of holes that easily lets other things and people’s projected desires and dreams in, be it good or bad That it’s both the biggest blessing and curse Because of that I let others destroy me for nothing, that I romanticize the ruins because it’s the only thing I can convince myself into believe in as untouched by others; my own world and my imaginations that I always retreat into By this point me and the fairy girl are both vulnerable, but she seems to be far more guarded that I am I want the fairy girl to get vulnerable like me too, so I dig into the topic slowly through questions and conversations The more I go the more she seems unsettled, refuses At one point we’re yelling at each other, tearing at each others’ cowardices and arrogance The lector simply watches and calmly coachs but doesn’t intervene, cooly pointing out the flaw in either sides’ reasoning when he sees fit At this point it’s starting to feel like shadow work-slash-dance-therapy The peers and teachers I interact with on day to day basis are concerned, insinuating that the raven-haired mentor is influencing me too much or interfering with my private matters too much as a teacher because to them, ‘I don’t seem as cheery as I used to be just a week or two ago’ Obviously I’d be ragged I’m working through my traumas bitch

22 Jul 2024

Dream

oki so basically i was still in Marysville schools and i was walking around the halls i bumped into my ex and his gf i gave him a hug and then his gf walked around with me but i just wanted to find you then i was in a classroom where i had a presentation and when i stood up to start this kid i went to school with started to laugh at me so i went on a rant telling everyone my chuldhood trauma and got an a

20 Jul 2024

Dream

I got attached to the characters in my dream who then died a grusesome death. I don't remember my relationship with them, but I remember we have some healthy enough amount of problems. Three to four of us are in the car, while two guys (lovers) were fighting. The others, including me, didn't meddle in because it's their business. Next thing I know there was a woman in front of our car, good thing we didn't hit her cuz as we got out, she who for some reason has a loose red rope around her forehead was already nagging and yelling at the driver. When I looked under the car, I could see how her body got slipped apart. I saw it live happen, when I looked at the nagging woman again, she wasn't there. That was enough trauma/loss for one day. Guess what. My guy friend who was having a couple quarrel with my other guy friend accidentally slipped while there was a car passing. I was so fucking relieved that he didn't got hit, but next thing we all know, he was getting dragged by the car's wheel by his shirt and oh, the shock I felt when I saw him spinning while his guts and limbs flew to the air. I couldn't take anymore losses and woke up.