12 Aug 2024
Dream
In my dream last night, we were at a family Christmas party but I had not seen my family in years. We had a Christmas play and it was going to be the first time my family was going to meet my daughter. I had a daughter, a little girl who looked just like me. She was a redhead, too, and about 3 or 4 years old. Her name was also Channing. She was so beautiful and happy and smart and such a good girl. She loved me. She loved me so much. She was dressed identically to how I was in my christening photo when I was a newborn baby- a white dress. I had done her hair with a gold Christmas tree crown and she was going to come out of the room we were waiting in holding my hand and she was to walk up to my mom, her grandmother, for the first time. My parents had no idea I had a baby. I had done it all on my own and kept the entire thing a secret, something that was mine that I was not ashamed of and not going to let them ruin for me. I was so proud of her. I could see the love in her eyes for me. When came out into the room everyone knew she was mine. She was a spitting image of me when I was her age. My mom embraced her and was so happy. She hugged her and loved her and was in awe of the likeness she had to me when I was her age. Later my mom and I were in the car except this time my daughter was much younger, nursing age and I asked my mom how to feed her because I had never nursed before. My mom was driving and I was in the passenger seat with baby Channing. My mom verbally helped me but unenthusiastically or in a way like I should know what to do, but I didn’t. I needed my mom and she wasn’t there for me. My mom told me the baby just needed to latch on. She did for a few sips then stopped and just laid there sad, almost like she had given up. The situation felt toxic. It felt nothing like the Christmas party reveal part of the dream when the baby was much older and no one in my family knew about her.
